Written By: Kai
[ Kai's fics can be found here ]
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam wing.
Title: Everybody Breaks
Author: Kai (also known as Odie-chan once apon
Author e-mail: email@example.com
Rating: NC-17 (bondage, sexual content, language
Warnings: Yaoi (five-some), Wufei-centric, Wufei
POV, Post EW
Pairings: 1x2x5x3x4, and five is definitely in
Summary: I suck at summaries but here goes
some interesting pictures end up in Wufeis in-box one day and
it causes things to finally come to a head in his life and help him
finally gain freedom from himself and his past
. Basically, just
read it and youll know
Special thanks: Ryouga who went through this and fixed up all the bad things like my REALLY horrible grammar and spelling and because of that, this story is dedicated to her and one other Deb, for having this contest and making me want to write in the fandom again! Hopefully Ive improved .
Routine; he had a simple and extremely boring routine and the only time it altered was when he had a mission.
Everyday he would get up at 5:30 in the morning without the use of an alarm clock, not surprising since he'd been getting up at that time all his life to go through his katas and sword exercises. Then at 7:30 he would take a quick shower, dress in his Preventer's uniform and walk from the Preventer's Housing, where he lived, the two blocks to the office where he would punch in at exactly 8:00.
Once in his office he would listen to his phone messages and call back those people who required it before checking his e-mail and doing likewise. Usually he would find two e-mails each from Duo and Quatre and one from Trowa with a regular bi-weekly report from Heero on his life.
These e-mails would be almost lost among the work-related ones but he always replied. He had to unless he wanted an unexpected visit from one or more of them and considering what he'd discovered about his own feelings he knew that would be a bad idea. So he always replied.
He would then work until 12:00 when food was regularly delivered to his office due to arrangements he'd made with a private restaurant a few blocks away. He would eat in his office alone and continue working on his reports and evaluations until 2:30 and then he would go to the training field to help instruct other agents and new recruits in hand-to-hand combat as well as weapons training.
At 6:30 he would shower, change, and then return to his office where Sally, Une, Noin, Zechs and Eric; the man in charge of issuing field agents their mission; Tabitha, his secretary or Alisa, Sally's secretary would be waiting to pester him into eating with them at their places. They seemed to be on some sort of cycle.
Most of the time he was able to avoid any sort of obligation to join them; although... not always. It often seemed to him that while their lives continued forward, his remained the same; unchanging due to the controls he'd had to place over himself all his life.
If he went with them he would stay for about two hours before returning to his tiny, sparse apartment by 9:15. He would then do some more of his katas before running ten miles around the track at the training center. By 11:00 he would return to his apartment, do a few chores if necessary, read a chapter in a book and maybe meditate before retiring at 12:00pm only to repeat the routine once more the next day.
At least that was what it was usually like; however, his current day had been derailed shortly after he'd arrived at work and begun to go through his e-mails. As usual he dealt with the work related ones first and after he had done that he found himself with an e-mail from an anonymous domain. After ensuring that it had no viruses he opened it to find pictures; pictures that brought heat to both his cheeks and his groin; pictures with images he had never allowed his mind to imagine but with them in front of him he couldn't find the willpower to turn away, to shut the window on his computer and make himself forget.
He had known, as had all of those who knew the Gundam Pilots, that Quatre and Trowa had been a couple from almost the very start of the first war and that Duo and Heero had followed their example after the second war had ended.
What he had never suspected was that the two separate couples would come together and yet that was very apparent by the pictures on his screen. He'd never have imagined that being chained to a bed would arouse Heero or that Quatre would look so good with a whip and black leather hugging every curve of his body.
Desperately he tried to shake the thoughts from his head but his eyes never left the screen and he found that his chest was hurting and it was difficult to breath. With a shaking hand he managed to log out of his e-mail account.
Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to settle his thoughts or the emotions that seemed to be tearing through him. It had been almost a year since the last war, almost a year since he'd seen any of the others face-to-face.
Almost three years since he'd locked his traitorous thoughts away and within minutes everything he'd done had been left in smoldering ruins.
Time didn't seem to pass but soon he had a worried-looking Sally Po kneeling beside him and he hadn't even noticed her come in, nor had he noticed the small crowd that had gathered at his door. Strangely enough he couldn't find it in him to care. All he could feel was the raging emotional torrent inside, the one he was trying not to let loose because it would destroy him if he did, he'd be burned alive. Even though he couldn't let it out, the torrent dredged up a question from the depths of his soul where he'd buried it so long ago.
Why not me
I slowly opened my eyes, already aware that I wasn't in my apartment, and noticed two things right away. The first was that I was in a hospital and the second was that I was incredibly tired and every part of my body seemed to ache.
I'd tried to remember what had happened, but my memory seems blurred; I didn't think I'd been on a mission, or I would have remembered something... since missions involved a lot of preparation and even if the mission itself only lasted a day the time of preparation for it was usually a week, thanks to the delights of the tangle called red tape. What I didn't understand was, why was I so tired? I'd gone five days without sleep on missions during the war and I'd never felt as tired as I did right then. It was strange because I was in top physical shape, Sally had told me barely four days ago at my monthly check-up, and I had no injuries, well none that registered; and any injury would have, despite painkillers, because I knew my body that well. So what was wrong with me?
"So, you're finally awake, Wu."
Slowly I turned my head so that I could look at Duo who was sitting in an uncomfortable looking chair to my left. I should have noticed him seconds ago, so why hadn't I? I opened my mouth to ask him what was going on but when my lips moved no noise came out. I tried again with the same results and watched him frown.
"Look, hang on a sec, I'll get Sal."
What happened next I can't really explain. I knew what I was doing and what I was feeling when I reacted... I just wasn't sure why. He started to stand, and panic as well as fear shot through me so rapidly that I forgot to breathe. My head pounded and it was those emotions that caused my hand to wrap around his wrist so tight that the muscles and joints of my hand were shaking with the tension of the movement.
I wasn't hurting him but if he wanted to get away from me he might have had to cut my hand off at the wrist or break my fingers.
Startled, he glanced down at my hand before looking at my face and when he did I knew that my arrogant and cultivated demeanor had deserted me by the look of concern that danced across his features. He reached out his left hand and brushed the hair out of my eyes gently with his fingers, caressing my cheek as he did. Carefully, he sat down again and it was only then that I managed to take a mouthful of air into my burning lungs.
What the hell was wrong with me?
"It's okay, Wu, I'm not going anywhere. The others will be here in about five minutes anyway and one of them can get Sal. Man, you scared us, you know. Sally said she was called by your secretary, Tabitha, I think her name was. She'd apparently gone in to give you your lunch and found you just sitting in your chair like a statue starring into space. Sally said it was shock at first but she's leaning more towards an emotional breakdown now because you were asleep for more than 24 hours, among other things. She called us as soon as you were stabilized here at the hospital, so the guys and I hopped on the first shuttle and arrive about fourteen hours ago. We were taking turns staying with you but Sal needed to show us something so I volunteered to stay... course, I had to fight off the other guys but, since it would have been my turn anyway, I won."
He grinned and winked at me and I heard all of what he said, but I was a little dumbfounded at the mention of an, 'emotional breakdown'. My mind was too busy trying to remember what could have caused me to react in the way that I had. Duo must have seen my frown because the fingers of his left hand began tracing random patterns on my left forearm, highly distracting but not unwelcome.
"Don't be upset about the whole 'emotional breakdown' thing, Wu. The five of us are prime candidates for it but unlike the rest of us who've talked about our pasts and the war with each other, you never did that. Heck I don't think you've ever talked to anybody your whole life about what you feel and these things tend to build up over time; then when you least expect it something comes along that breaks the camel's back. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it happens to people more often than they're willing to admit. With anyone else they would have succumbed during the wars but you were stronger than that, weren't you? Always so damn proud and so determined to be independent, well, Une's giving you two months of paid sick leave. She claims that you've worked two years worth in a year and that you're too valuable to lose, so as soon as Sally gives her okay, we're taking you back to L4 with us. We've missed you, Wu, all of us. It's just not the same without you there. I know you don't want our help but please, just this once, let us help you. We've all lost so much already, we dont want to lose you to."
He was staring at my hand by that point so he didn't realize that if he had asked me to declare to the world that I was a 'pink princess who danced naked in the moonlight' right there and then I would have... even though it would have completely broken the remainder of the already fleeting sanity that I had left in me. It would have because I knew that's what was happening. I might not remember exactly what 'cracked' my walls, but I knew that they were cracked and that I was about to break and there was nobody to pick up the pieces.
I fell asleep soon after that and when I woke up next
Quatre and Heero had replaced Duo at my side. They seemed to have
been in the middle of a fairly serious discussion when Quatre noticed
me a couple seconds after I came around.
I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine, which was a lie but old habits die-hard. Unfortunately, once more no sound came from my mouth. I frowned and gave them a questioning look.
I was a little surprised when it was Heero who answered me. His face was as impassive as always but there was something in his eyes when he looked at me that I couldn't place because no one had ever looked at me like that before.
"Duo told us. Sally says sometimes trauma can rob a person of their ability to speak even if they're physically fine."
We'd all been trained to read lips so I mouthed the word trauma and felt my frown deepen. I'd gone through torture during the war, and that could easily be called traumatic, but Id never lost my voice. I'd watched as my clan was destroyed and held Meiran as she died but as traumatic as those could be considered my voice had never left me. So just what the hell had I seen that could possibly be worse than all of that? What could have been so bad that it could put me into the condition that I currently found myself?
I was watching Heero as he read my lips so I couldn't miss the way his eyes darkened as they had when he was upset during the war and there was no way I could have missed the full-body wince of Quatre's. They knew and they weren't telling me... and if they knew, then it was likely the others did as well.
Just what was going on?
Duo and Trowa came through the door as I was about to ask and I could see the guilt on Maxwell's face before he hid it with a Cheshire Cat's grin. "Morning, Fei! Or should I say afternoon."
Within the span of five minutes I'd already had enough. I moved to sit up and get out of the bed but I hadn't counted on how weak my arms were. I'd barely pushed myself up into a sitting position when my arms began to shake. I may be a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them, so I aborted my earlier mission and settled for ensuring that I managed to fully sit up on my own. I successfully completed that mission but as I did I didn't fail to notice the tension in the others as if each one of them was ready to jump forward and catch me. I almost frowned again but managed to stop myself. They were acting different.
I knew they had changed since the end of the war, their e-mails had told me that but those same e-mails also indicated that the changes weren't overly dramatic. Their e-mails had hinted at the differences in how they interacted with each other but their interaction with me hadn't seemed to alter at all.
So what exactly was going on?
Did they think I was weak?
The thought made it hard to breath and I didn't realize I was hyperventilating until Trowa tilted my face up so that I could see his face.
"Breathe with me, Wufei. Slowly. Focus. In and out."
His green eyes drew me in. They were still calm and solid just as I remembered them and I fell into a type of meditative trance, not only matching his breathing, but matching his heartbeat and all thoughts for the moment were disregarded.
Trowa gave me a small smile then, "Okay?"
I should have been embarrassed but that was one of the things I liked about meditation; it allowed you to be empty even if only for a short time. So instead of doing what I would normally have done I smiled. A smile that was mine; a smile only Meiran had ever seen and even then only on very rare occasions. From the slight widening of Trowa's eyes, Quatre's gasp, Duo's soft 'wow' and Heero's jaw dropping, it was as much a surprise to them as it was to me.
Tapping Trowa on the arm I broke the strange tension that had issued a hostile take over of the room and moved my mouth in a mockery of speech, fully knowing that he would understand. He tilted his head to the side and watched me. "You want to leave?"
Nodding curtly I didn't break our gaze. If I was going to fall apart at any moment I wanted to do it where I would have the most privacy I could get; and if that was on L4 with all four of them, then so be it. I wasn't sure what I expected but having Heero suddenly stand up and nod as if he'd just accepted a mission wasn't it.
"I'll inform Sally so she can get the paperwork in order." With that he left me blinking as the door swung shut after him. Tell Sally? No one could tell that stubborn onna anything! I knew that from personal experience, I'd tried on various occasions... seeing as she was one of the only three people I would partner on missions; the other two being Noin and Zechs. I half-wished I was strong enough to get up and follow just so I could see it. Then again, Sally actually respected Heero and didn't consider him a 'little brother'.
Why she thought of me that way I still hadn't figure out.
Quatre cleared his throat to get my attention and then
smiled apologetically. "We've already been to your apartment;
Sally let us in. We packed anything you might need or want. We even
brought your sword." There was a question hidden under the surface,
something he wanted to ask but wouldn't because the timing was wrong.
Even though he didn't ask it I knew what question it was. He wanted
to know why
Why I slept on a mat on the floor with only a pillow
and a blanket? Why was there never any food in the cupboards and only
bottled water in the fridge? Why were there no personal touches except
for the one picture of the five of us? Why were all of my possessions:
three Preventer's uniforms, two pairs of shorts, two tank tops, underwear,
socks, hair ties, two white traditional Chinese outfits, four books
and my toiletries already packed in a duffle bag next to my sword?
Why was there nothing else in my apartment? Why, why, why. I was grateful
he didn't ask because I wasn't ready to look that closely at myself
and that would be the only way I could answer him.
I wasn't able to walk very far on my own by the time I was officially allowed to leave the hospital; however, I did insist on dressing myself and walking from the bed to where Heero waited at the wheelchair. I made it there; barely, although I did my best not to let anyone notice and they did their best not to let me notice that they had noticed. Sometimes an illusion is the best you can hope for. They helped me into the car after Une and Sally had their moment to say goodbye and make the apologies of the few who couldn't be there because of work, a total of five other people.
The ride to the shuttle-port wasn't very long but I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I became aware of was, that I was being carried.
Strangely enough it didn't set off my reflexes like
I would have expected it to. Maybe because I recognized the voices
around me or maybe it was something more than that but I knew almost
instinctively that it was Heero's arms I was enveloped in and I felt
safer then I ever had in my life. It might have been a dream but I
found myself curling into the hard, warmth of his chest and surrendering
to sleep once more without a second thought.
When next I woke I found myself blinking up into a pair of baby-blue eyes. My focus expanded out from there to include soft blond hair, an upturned nose and full lips that were turned up in a smile. Like Duo, he brushed my hair out of my eyes, taking his time as he smoothed it out of my face. I should have realized earlier that my hair tie had disappeared, but I hadn't and though it normally drove me crazy to have my hair in my way, I really didn't care at all right then.
It took a minute for my position to register since it was an uncommon one for me. I was lying down on a seat of what appeared to be Quatre's private shuttle with my head in his lap. It was strangely comfortable and dream-like enough that it didn't matter... or maybe it didn't matter because of how damn tired I felt.
"Hey." That's all he used his voice for but the look he was giving me said so much more... or at least I hoped that's what I was seeing. I couldn't be sure because what I wanted to see wasn't something I 'd seen anywhere except on their faces when they looked at each other.
With a half-smile I looked up and down the passenger area and raised an eyebrow in question when I didn't see anyone else.
"Heero and Duo are in the cockpit and Trowa's in the cargo hold looking for extra pillows and blankets. He was worried you might be cold with just that tank top and your loose pants; are you? Cold, I mean?"
It probably wasn't a good thing that I had to think about that but I did anyway. I was a bit cold but it wasn't that big of a deal, so I shrugged.
Too bad Quatre didn't think that was an adequate answer. "Wufei?"
I looked at him and found myself caught in his gaze and I suddenly became too aware of his body and my emotions surged again, crashing against my controls. I tried to use meditation techniques but my thoughts seemed to fracture into millions of pieces and I couldn't seem to find the right ones to put all this together to make any sense. I felt something connect sharply with my face, but before it could really register, it shattered as well and I lost it. Something pinched me and I was thankful when the shards disappeared and I was left alone in the quiet, black of unconsciousness.
* * * * * * * * *
My body was aching as if I had run 40 miles straight and my head was throbbing but it seemed to be channeling the drum solo from one of Duos favorite heavy metal bands. I was wrapped tightly in a blanket and though I hadn't opened my eyes yet, I was certain that I had once more ended up in Heero's arms. I probably shouldn't have known, but I did know their bodies as well as my own. During the war I'd paid far more attention to them and their bodies then I should have. I just couldn't seem to figure our how I managed to go from what I knew to knowing how it felt to be held by one of them after a solitary occurance or two.
Or maybe I did.
I'd been carried by each of them at least once during the war due to injuries but I hadn't realized I had internalized and buried every strange detail of those encounters.
It was Heero who carried me for a number of reasons; the way I fit in his arms, his scent, the perfect rigidness of his back and the way he seemed to pull me into him - as if being in his arms had somehow made me a part of him. Something precious.
I must have moved or something because I was shifted slightly, just enough so that my now-open eyes were able to meet cobalt blue ones that seemed relieved. I didn't bother trying to look around, the position I was in made it almost impossible to do so anyways, so I tried speaking, which didn't work - surprise, surprise, but it didn't matter because he read my lips.
"We've just arrived at the mansion. The others went ahead to arrange your things and see about getting something for you to eat. We only have a few servants here; too many makes everyone but Quatre uncomfortable."
It was sort of nice to have someone who knew me well enough to know my movements in battle and the questions I might ask in certain situations, but, in a way, it was also disappointing that no one knew me better than that.
It was a highly depressing thought. Strong arms pulled me tighter against a hard chest and I had to force myself to focus back on Heero and he looked upset, something you could only see in his eyes. "Don't! Whatever you're thinking, don't."
I just stared at him. The way his voice had sounded; it had the same pain in it that Duo's had had at the hospital; only better concealed. It hurt to see him hurting, to know that two of the four people who meant more to me than my own life were suffering because of my weakness.
His arms tightened around me even more and I felt firm lips press against my forehead softly. "Wufei, don't, please dont cause yourself more pain. You've already been through so much, let us help you just this once, "His voice was so soft it was barely a whisper but the force it held forced the cracks inside of me to widen and stretch further. I had wanted him to tell me what he wanted but he had asked the one thing I didn't know how to give; just like Duo had.
For many of my young years I fought countless battles and I had never run from them, nor my duty as I knew it to be... but this time... this time I didn't know what my duty was or how to fulfill it. I didn't know who my enemy was and nothing I had known to be true throughout my entire life seemed to fit. I never gave into what I wanted; I didn't know what I wanted most of the time because it had never mattered before. This once, though, with nothing else to guide me, I did what I wanted and buried my face in his shoulder, grabbing tightly a fistful of his shirt and just allowed myself to breathe in his scent.
There were no tears shed. There was no crying.
I don't ever remember crying, not surprising since crying was considered weak and unacceptable. Despite my cracks I was still intact, still strong as I knew I had to be and there would be no tears until I shattered. I couldn't allow it.
Heero pressed his cheek against the top of my head and resumed walking though I didn't recall him stopping. He didn't say anything else and I soon found myself in the room I'd be staying in for a while.
Only when Heero reluctantly placed me on the bed under the covers did I look around the room. The room in question was bigger than my entire apartment and was decorated in red and gold. I half-wondered if Quatre had known that those were my clan's colors, but knew it wasn't true even as I thought it.
None of them knew about Meiran, my clan or what position I had held in the clan. After all, how could they if I had never told them?
Glancing to my left I saw Quatre standing next to the bed holding a tray with a glass of water and a bowl that appeared to contain soup. I took a moment to consider the question but couldn't come up with an answer. I should have been, but I wasn't. It was the hopeful look in his eyes that made me nod. It was only a nod and suddenly there was beautiful smile on his face that would have struck me speechless... if I hadn't of already been that way.
Trowa helped me sit up and before anyone else could do it I grabbed the spoon, a little clumsily, and managed to get four spoonfuls into my own mouth before my hand was shaking so badly that I couldn't hold onto it any more. At that point Trowa took over without a word, for which I was grateful. I managed to eat three quarters of the bowl before I had to shake my head and I only managed that because of the rapt attention the four of them were giving me. Not a word in an hour, all they did was watch me eat. I didn't have any idea what to make of that but luckily I didn't have to because my eyelids had begun to drop and all four of them were tucking me into bed seconds later. It was strange, not even as a child had anyone done that for me, at least, not that I could remember. If my parents had before they'd died I couldn't remember. Then again I suppose not too many people would remember their lives at one or two years of age.
* * * * * * * *
My eyes opened slowly and even if I hadn't looked at the clock on the nightstand I would have known it was 5:30 in the morning. I was also fully aware of what had happened the last few days and where I was.
Routine dictated that I should get up and do my katas and sword exercises, however, the exhaustion I felt dictated otherwise. So, I settled on a compromise of sorts. Carefully, I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Testing my legs a little I eventually got to my feet and stood still until a bit of dizziness passed. Then, one foot in front of the other, I picked up my bag and made it to the bathroom. It took me about twenty minutes with several, well-placed two minute breaks to make it the thirty-five feet. I couldn't help it, I had to count. Oh well... at least it was a start. Far better than having to deal with a shower that might have had possible involvement from the others. After I brushed my teeth and used the toilet I sat down on the side of the tub opting for a shower instead of a bath because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get myself up again after I had managed to get down.
It took nearly half an hour to clean myself off, most of that spent on my hair since my arms tired often. Eventually I was clean and dry. Then, I used the toilet as a chair and managed to change into my other outfit without falling over.
Back in the main room I opened a curtain and sat in the stuffed chair next to it. What was happening to me was unacceptable for a number of reasons but I was less than enthusiastic about examining what had caused it. One thing may have caused the cracks but there was a great deal behind it that had allowed that one thing the power to do so. The problem was that I was tired of thinking and I didn't have the energy to force myself into the mental overhaul that had been a very long time in coming.
I lost track of how long I'd been sitting there in thoughtlessness, it couldn't have been very long, an hour or two at most.
"You have to be the most stubborn man I know, Chang Wufei." Looking up I found a very unhappy Duo Maxwell staring down at me and couldn't help frowning back. I spoke but was unsurprised at the lack of sound. I was rewarded for my efforts in communication by him rolling his eyes in exasperation. "I know you're not an invalid, Fei. We all know that but we also know you're human. I just wish you would realize it!" Again he moved to turn away from me as he had in the hospital. This time though, I wasn't fast enough or close enough to grab him. Panic surged through me again but this time it shook something loose.
"I do." My voice was harsh and a little raspy from disuse but it was mine and more importantly it stopped him. I swallowed hard, desperate to relieve the dryness in my mouth and throat. "I-I, I just, I can't, I don't know how to be..." I was shaking again but I forced it away. Unable to look at him, my gaze fell on my clenched fists. "I was never supposed to live this long. I knew my duty to my clan; I was to lead. It's what I was raised to do but the war they..." The words got caught in my throat and I could feel the torrent inside me raging, pushing the cracks even further apart. I had to get out of there.
I staggered to my feet and stumbled towards the door but I never made it that far. Countless arms had a hold of me and then I found myself on the bed once again but this time I was surrounded by the others.
Quatre gently lifted my chin. "It's okay to let go Wufei."
"I-I, I don't know how." Even to my own ears I sounded lost, alone and yes... afraid.
Strong arms wrapped around my waist from both sides and lips pressed gently against my ears in unison.
"We'll help you." Trowa's voice was barely a whisper on my left.
Heero's echoed his. "Trust us."
Duo was in front of me, a hand on my knee... right there, next to Quatre and I realized that I'd begun to crack a long time ago. Now here I was and I knew that it didn't matter what I said; because it was already too late. The only ones who could help would choose not to in the end because of what I would say. This was the end. I was going to break and with no one to fix me I would probably be thrown out like all other useless and broken things. I owed them the truth before it was too late to give it to them. And so I started with the simplest truth I had ever come to know. "I love you. All of you. How could I not when you're everything they tried to get me to be... you're everything I needed to be and so much more you're my life..."
I wasn't really sure when I started crying. It could have happened when I mentioned the parade of detached tutors, or the decision of the Elders to have me focus on my studies and achievements and to remove any unnecessary distractions like children my own age or inappropriate attachments to my instructors. It could have been when I told them of Meiran's death or my clan's betrayal. It may have even started when I mentioned my training or the moment I discovered my heart was lost to them. What I was certain of was that I was still crying and shaking when I finally recalled what had set this all into motion... those pictures. "It was easy to accept all of you had paired off because it meant you would be happy, I accepted that readily enough but to find out all of you were together, without me... And I wondered Why? Why not me? Why am I never good enough for anyone? Why can't you even want me? My Clan needed me, to lead at first and then to fight. The Preventers need me for my experience and skill... No one really sees me... I, don't even see me! I don't know anything!"
That's all I managed to say before I fell apart, but it was okay because it was everything I had within me and soon I would be left alone to sift through the shards of what was left of my pride, my sanity and pull myself together well enough to at least go back to work. After all, I might not be wanted... but I was needed and duty was the only thing I really knew.
* * * * * * * * *
I was warm and comfortable and I didn't want to move.
And because I wanted to stay where I was, I knew I couldn't. I forced my eyes open and felt my jaw drop when I saw Trowa and Duo sleeping next to me. Duo had an arm around my leg and Trowa was gripping my arm. The way they hung onto me could only be described as possessive. Careful not to move too much so I could avoid waking them I slowly looked to my other side and found Heero and Quatre doing likewise. I knew what had happened earlier and I'd never thought about what they would do... but using me as a teddy bear hadn't been a logical leap.
Knowing I wasn't going to be able to move for a while I relaxed. After crying and making a fool of myself I would have thought that I might have been in even worse shape than I had been before but surprisingly the opposite seemed true. I couldn't remember feeling as relaxed as I did at that very moment. I was still tired but it was as if I had been in a cement cage and sinking into the ocean before and now I was floating on the surface with the sun shining down on me.
Trowa shifted and our eyes met. Something happened between us and I was leaning forward and so was he, and then, our lips met. I had no words to describe how the touch of his lips to mine felt or how it seemed to become my world. As we pulled away from each other I could see in his eyes that nothing had been destroyed, if anything the bond between us was stronger. In his eyes was what I had seen there when he looked at Quatre.
I could be stubborn but looking over the last few days even I had to realize that I'd missed something... "Those pictures... Duo sent them, didn't he?"
"It was sort of a joke Wufei... I didn't mean..."
I reached down to grab his hand and gently squeezed it. "Don't. I'm glad you did it or this might have happened at an even worse time."
"But it hurt you."
"No Duo. It didn't hurt me, if anything, it saved me by allowing me to see that how I was living was wrong. It wasn't even living at all. I'm not really sure why living only involved duty for me... maybe because its all I have really known..." Duo knelt on the bed in front of me so that I could see him better.
"Wufei there's something we need to tell you..."
Everything else fell into place at that exact moment in time. I might have been as narrow sighted as a horse with blinders, but I wasn't stupid. They'd been showing me ever since I woke up that first time that they did loved me. If I had looked hard enough in the beginning I would have seen that they'd been showing me that they had cared about me since the first war. I just didn't recognize it until they demonstrated it between each other. "You don't have to say it... I already know..."
He shook his head. "It's not the same, Fei and you know it. Throughout the whole of your sheltered existence no one has ever said those three little words to you, have they?"
I couldn't deny it so I didn't say anything.
"I had Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, Howard and the Sweepers and then the guys here to tell me. Quatre had his sisters, then the Maganacs and us. Trowa had Catherine, his circus and us and Heero had Relena and eventually he gained us too. People have to be told and I know Sally hasn't told you because I asked her."
I had to smile wryly at that, "I never gave her a chance. I never gave any of you a chance."
"And we left it that way."
That came from Heero.
Shrugging I tilted my head toward him. "Maybe but I never learned to express myself or to live for myself and follow what my heart told me; you did. It couldn't have been easy to face the pain of what you managed to leave behind. Why invite pain when you've gone through so much already?"
"Because I want you. Because we all want you... Wufei, we love you, that's why and you never gave us a chance because no one ever taught you to let go. No one ever set you free of yourself."
Quatre crawled up my body so he was kneeling between my legs. "But we can show you how, if you trust us."
Did I trust them? With my life. But could I trust them with my heart...? Looking in Quatre's eyes I had no more doubts about it. Leaning forward I brushed my lips against his. "Yes."
He smiled, but it was more seductive then sweet. "Good. We'll start tomorrow."
* * * * * * * *
The rest of the day was unlike any other in my life. I wasn't left alone for a moment except when I used the washroom. We watched a movie together, ate together, played cards together, listened to each other read stories and talked. They gave me just enough space so that I didn't feel suffocated, but remained close enough that I had no problem believing that they wanted me there. When it got late and my eyes wouldn't remain open any longer, they stayed with me and I came to the conclusion that being held was something I'd been missing in my life and I hadn't even realized it.
* * * * * * * *
The next morning I found myself blindfolded and tied to the bed. Fear and uncertainty shot through me but it subsided slightly when a voice came out of the darkness around me. "It's alright Wufei. It's just us."
I felt myself frown. "You could have warned me this was what you had planned, Quatre."
"And spoil the surprise? Where would the fun be in that?"
"You have a sadistic streak Winner."
"A little, but I can guarantee you'll like it."
For some reason the way his voice dropped caused a shiver to run down my spine, instead of answering I opted to change the topic. "Where are the others?"
"Right here Fei. You don't think we'd miss the opportunity to have you at our mercy do you?" Duo spoke just before cold metal touched the skin at the base of my throat. Even with the blind-fold I knew it was a knife and I felt my body go rigid immediately. The cold metal trailed down a little further and then the material of my tank top was pulled upwards so that it tightened around my sides. A few seconds later and I could hear the fabric being cut, exposing my bare chest. As the ruined clothing fell back down the same process was repeated to the straps and the fabric was unceremoniously wrenched from my body.
Something warm and wet licked my ear before I heard Heero's husky voice. "Very nice."
I felt my cheeks burn. "Wh-what are you doing?"
"Admiring what the good lord had the sense to put on this world." Duo's voice sounded highly amused and slightly lustful.
The knife's cold surface touched the skin above my belly button and the waistband of my pants was pulled away. "Don't! Stop, just stop... please..." The total lack of control over my situation had become alarmingly real all of a sudden.
Lips brushed my own, "Trust us Wufei. We won't do anything you can't handle. We know how strong you are; don't underestimate your own worth. We love you."
"Trowa..." They paused as if waiting for me. Could I do this? More importantly, could I not? If I left here as I was now everything would eventually go back to the way it had been and I didn't want that, I didn't want that so strongly that I managed to swallow my apprehension. "I trust you."
My pants were soon experiencing the same fate my top had. It wasn't particularly cold in the room, but I shivered again as I felt four pairs of eyes looking me over. No one had seen so much of my skin since I had been a child - not even Meiran - and I felt extremely vulnerable. My other senses had begun to try and compensate for my lack of vision so I could smell the four of them and feel the shifting of the mattress as they moved. It seemed as if hours had passed in silence as I tried to figure out what was going on. Then I felt a quick sharp slap against my inner thigh, it wasn't from a hand though - it was too thin for that. More the size of a saddle crop. Again it hit me, this time along the inside of my other thigh. I actually yelped.
"Now, now Wufei, you're thinking too much and we can't have that can we?" Quatre's voice came from above me and sounded far too sexy.
Something ice-cold trailed over my chest; like an icicle, or a popsicle.
I figured it had to be a popsicle because it was sticky. What I didn't expect was to feel a tongue following after it. The Popsicle moved up and around one of my nipples before traveling to the other one. The tongue followed but stopped at the nipple to give it a little more attention. The tongue sucked it into a moist mouth and lips closed over it, completing the suction but it was the teeth that roughly scraped over it that had me arching into the touch before I could surpress the reaction.
Then... to suddenly have the same treatment on the other nipple at the same time, I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. I lost track of the popsicle for a moment before I felt it caressing my inner thighs where I'd felt the sting of the crop earlier. I wasn't really all that ready when a nose brushed my groin as lips kissed my thighs, a tongue flicking out every so often to taste my skin and probably the popsicle as well. The nose buried itself into my crotch, nuzzeling my cock and I couldn't control the moan that spilled from my mouth. No one had ever touched me like that.
"Do you like what they're doing to you, Wufei?" It was Quatre who spoke and since the mouths were still where they had been, that meant that those lips and tongues belonged to Heero, Trowa, and Duo. That thought sent fire through me and I groaned again as strong fingers trailed over my lips. "What do you want, Wufei?"
What did I want? Good question. I didn't want this to end, I didn't want to go back to my old routine, I wanted to find out what I wanted. I wanted to belong to someone if only for a moment.
Lips touched my own and a tongue slid between my lips and dance inside, darting around my own tongue sucking me into another mouth, where I followed its example. When it left me Quatre's voice, slightly breathless, repeated the question. "What do you want, Wufei?"
It was then that I realized that the control that I
believed I had over my life, the control I'd forced on myself, had
been an illusion. But here, where I seemed to have none, I was being
Accept that they were offering me their love and themselves. Maybe they couldn't offer me anything else but they were willing to give me more than anyone had before. They were willing to give me something I wanted and all I had to do was tell them.
The words got stuck in my throat and I was suddenly afraid, afraid that I'd lost my chance and I wouldn't get another one... and so, for the second time in 24 hours, I found myself crying.
Seventeen years without any waterworks and I had suddenly become the Niagra Falls.
"Wufei? Wufei, what's wrong?"
I felt someone remove my blindfold but I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want what was happening to end. "Don't... put it back p-please..."
"But Fei..." It was Duo and he didn't sound happy.
"I'm fine Duo."
"You asked me to trust you, and I will but you have to trust me in return. It was... I just... I'm not used to being touched and I've never had anyone ask me what I wanted before..."
The blindfold was gently lowered again and Heero's voice was in my ear.
And I knew he did. Heero and I were alike in many ways, even while we were very different.
Quatre's voice fell into the sudden silence. "You still have to tell us what you want, Wufei.
"Swallowing hard, I managed to answer him but only in a whisper. "I want you to keep going, don't stop touching me, please."
"As you wish."
And just like that, their mouths were on me again. The cool metal of the knife touched my stomach again and I felt the fabric of my briefs fall away.
Vulnerability was something that I had always been encouraged to ensconce within me but I liked the idea of my being exposed to all of them. I half-wished I could see them looking at me but a bigger part of me knew that that would have been too much, too soon. What was happening was very real but with the blind-fold in place it gave me just enough detachment to let go and let it happen. Most people wouldn't understand that letting myself enjoy something could be one of the most difficult things I'd ever done, but it was; and the blindfold helped.
"You're beautiful, Wufei." That was undoubtedly Trowa, and since one set of lips and teeth had left my chest as he spoke, some of the mystery was solved about who had been where. Seconds later, he was licking my neck before lowering his mouth to my collarbone where I felt teeth nip at me playfully.
I was hard; with everything happening to me that wasn't a surprise. I'd never had anything that could have been even loosely classified as a sexual encounter before this and already I felt like I was going to explode. To be honest, I was shocked that I had lasted so long
The riding crop made another appearance. It trailed over my cock slowly, making it difficult for me to breathe. But, I ended up gasping in a breath rather quickly when it was replace by the cold popsicle. I would have thought that the sensation of cold in that region would have decreased the heat I felt. Instead, it increased it. I hadn't realized I was thrusting upwards until I felt hands on my hips holding me down. I was loosing track of everything all too quickly, until Quatre spoke to me, giving me something to focus on. "I want to taste you, Wufei, may I taste you?"
The hands on my hips were gently trailing fingers along the insides of my thighs, close but not quite touching where I really wanted them to be. "Yes. Y-yes, p-please. P-please." It was barely a whisper but it was the closest I'd ever come to begging even if I wasn't sure what I was begging for exactly.
What I did know was that it wouldn't hurt me.
Something warm engulfed my cock and anything really coherent seemed to pause. I was sucked into something; hard, as if it were trying to swallow me whole. My body was bucking out of control, but those hands on my hips were keeping me steady. Then, something that had been coiling tighter and tighter inside me released and I saw stars as the burst of pleasure I felt slowly became a pleasant tingle along my skin before everything fell away to blissful blackness.
* * * * * * * * *
Carefully, I got out of bed and slipped into a pair of shorts. I wasn't too surprised that the others barely stirred as I did. After all we'd gotten used to each other during the wars and we were probably the only ones alive who could slip under the others' radar undetected.
I was still tired but the weariness that had weighed me down before seemed to have dissipated. Taking it slowly I made it to the back yard in under thirty minutes.
Taking my time stretching I decided to focus on my easier forms. I allowed myself to get lost in them but became aware that I had an audience sometime later and slowed to a stop.
Turning, I found myself smiling shyly at the other four pilots. "I hope I didn't wake you."
Duo laughed, but not the way he had during the war. It was a laugh that was soft and rolling, one that seemed to take up his whole body. "No but the lack of naked Fei did."
I blushed and tucked some of my loose hair behind my ear as I ducked my head.
"How are you feeling?"
I glanced up at Heero and it was only then that I realized they were only in shorts and boxers, and just as half naked as I was. I didn't answer his question right away though, I just looked at all of them and I let them see me... not just the part they had seen during the war but all of me and I smiled one of those rare smiles...
*****NOTE***** If you want a sequel to this you'll have to let me know!