" Down on the Farm "

Written By: ShenLong

WINNER OF THE FOLLOWING AWARD IN THE RECENT SICK PUPPY BRIGADES SQUICK ME FIC COMPETITION 2003

BEST MISUSE OF INANIMATE OBJECTS

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Disclaimer: I don't own the G boys I just borrow them from time to time and return them a whole lot happier. :)

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: Fluff, sap, lemon, lime, language, humor

Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4x3, ?x5, ? x Bull, Milking Machine x?

Author: ShenLong

Archive: http://gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com
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Authors Notes: This little piece of insanity was inspired by Ryouga. It started out while at lunch one day, sharing fic ideas and discussing the pilots in general. A wayward chicken was spotted running outside the restaurant which led to all sorts of comments being tossed around the table. Once all the banter was done with we were left with the idea for this fic.


"Down on the Farm"

April. 2003 ShenLong


Part 1

The five weary pilots trudged in single file through the forest, Quatre was at the head of the little procession followed closely by Trowa then Wufei. Duo was next and Heero brought up the rear. Heero didn't mind though as he had the best view in the house... in his opinion anyway. Duo's ass swayed enticingly ahead of him whilst that braided length brushed back and forth over his thighs. Yep definitely the best view in the house.

The track finally came to an end and the pilots scanned the darkened area around them for any signs of the enemy. They weren't expecting any but it always paid to be careful. None were seen so they began their walk once more towards the large dark shape of the house. Quatre opened the door and the weary five tramped inside. Quatre tried to flick on the light switch but was stopped by Heero.

"No lights. Not until we know for certain that we are safe here."

"Geeze, Heero. Lighten up a little will ya? It's a safe house for crying out loud!" Duo whined. He was tired; hell they were all tired! They had been on mission after mission without a break for the past three months and the pilots were beginning to feel the strain.

"The mad five wouldn't have given us the coordinates if they thought we were in any immediate danger, Heero," sighed Quatre.

"Hn. I'll set a temporary security warning system up anyway. In the morning we can set up whatever equipment is necessary."

"You can do whatever ya want, Hee-chan. I'm hitting the sack," Duo responded as he swayed lightly on his feet. "Which way to the beds, Q-man?"

"Up the stairs, Duo, take any room you like," replied Quatre.

"Thanks man." Duo shouldered his bag and set off through the gloom towards the stairs. "I'll leave the door open for you, Heero," he mumbled.

Wufei followed Duo. "I shall also retire. Good evening."

"Night, Wufei." Quatre turned to his silent lover and tugged his hand. "C'mon, Trowa, I think we should get some sleep as well; if Heero is that desperate he can rig up his little toys without us."

"......."

Trowa followed Quatre up the stairs and into one of the many rooms. Heero finished rigging up his little security devices before shouldering his own pack and going in search of his long haired lover.

~ * ~

Morning broke tentatively across the sky, bathing the slumbering earth with her warm glow and coaxing nature to life. Inside the large house the five exhausted pilots slept on.

"Cock a doodle do!" The large brown rooster fluffed his feathers importantly and greeted the morning rays.

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

*Bang*

*Squarkkkkk........ Thud*

"Better?"

"Hai. Thanks, Hee-chan."

~ * ~

Two hours later, the five sleepy pilots met in the kitchen for breakfast.

"What the hell was that screeching noise this morning?" asked Duo as he shuffled over to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup. "Don't tell me Relena has found us already."

"I think it is normally called a rooster," replied Wufei.

"A what?"

"A rooster."

"Well it's a dead duck now thanks to Heero."

"Does that mean we're having chicken for tea then?" Quatre asked in all innocence.

"Yanno, that reminds me of a joke." Duo continued on, ignoring Quatre. "What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?"

Heero groaned.

"The rooster says Cock a doodle do and the prostitute says any cock will..."

"MAXWELL!!!"

"Sorry, Wuffie." Duo snickered. "So, this vacation... Just where the hell are we and what are we supposed to do?"

"It's a farm from what I can tell," Heero responded.

"No shit Sherlock."

"The mad five thought it would be good for us to have a vacation on the farm." Quatre beamed. "I think it could be fun."

Duo sighed.

"So where are all the farm workers then?" Wufei asked.

"Oh them. Errr.... they are on a vacation in the city. It's up to us to take care of the farm while they're gone."

"Q-man, have you any idea what is involved in running a farm?" Duo shook his head.

"Well... not exactly, but surely it can't be that hard. I mean, it's just a case of taking care of the livestock and Trowa is really good with animals, aren't you, Trowa?"

"....."

"I hope you know what you're getting into here, Quatre," Duo moaned. "I mean, a farm? I thought this was supposed to be a vacation, you know... rest, relax, soak up the sun. Not run around after a bunch of animals."

"It couldn't be any worse than running around after you." Wufei couldn't help the jibe.

Duo folded his arms across his chest and glared. "To quote the old classic, Wufei... I am not an animal.... I am a man!" [1]

"Now that is a very debatable point, I thought you were a boy, a child even. God knows you act it often enough."

"I resent that, Wuffy. I may only be fifteen years in age but the rest of me is well advanced. Just ask Heero." Duo winked.

"Hn. No complaints here."

Quatre thought it best to intervene now. "So, guys, are we up to it or not?"

"I, for one, am not about to turn down a challenge, Maxwell." Wufei stood and placed his cup in the sink.

"Mission accepted," replied Heero.

"....."

All eyes turned to Duo. "Okay, Okay, I give up... I'm in."

~ * ~

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Duo said as the five pilots met out in the farm yard dressed in an assorted range of apparel.

"Let's see." Quatre held up a note book. "I got a message last night from the Doc's saying there was a book left for us with all the basic things we need to do written inside."

The four pilots all crowded around Quatre and peered over his shoulder.

"Milking the cows... Now there's a job we can do ne, Heero?" Duo grinned. "I've always wanted to milk a cow."

"Moving the sheep from the upper pasture to the lower one. I can do that," Wufei spoke.

"......."

"I think the chickens would be happy if you looked after them, Trowa," Quatre responded to the quiet teen.

Duo rolled his eyes. "What else is on there?" He grabbed the book from Quatre's grasp. "Let's see... Hmmmm. Carting the hay, tending the vegetable patch, feeding the pigs...."

"No thanks."

"Huh?" Duo looked up at Quatre.

"I refuse to look after pigs."

"Oh... Why?" Duo's curiosity was getting the better of him.

"It's against my religion."

Duo scratched his head. "Whadd'ya mean against your religion? That's a lame excuse if I ever heard one. Be honest, Q, you just don't fancy the idea of pigs and the mess they can make."

"We have been sharing with you, Maxwell so I think that a few pigs is a piece of cake in comparison." Wufei looked smug.

Duo whirled around, his braid whipping against Trowa as he did so and causing the tall teen to yelp. "Oops, sorry, Tro," then focusing his attention back to the Chinese teen he put his hands on his hips and glared. "Are you saying I'm a pig, Wuffles?"

"If the cap fits, Maxwell."

"Quatre is a Muslim. It is against his religion to associate with pork."

Four sets of eyes swiveled and stared at Trowa who promptly disappeared behind his bang.

"You spoke. You actually formed words and made a sentence." Duo made to swoon.

"Hn. Baka!" Heero stated as he caught the falling pilot.

Duo grinned.

"Look guys, the day is getting on, I suggest we get started on these chores or else we will be here for ages," said Quatre as he tried diplomatically to steer the attention away from Trowa.

"Yeah, I guess we should."

A loud moo from the paddock gate agreed with them.

"Okay then, let's get this show on the road," Duo chirped. "Coming, Hee-chan?"

The five pilots moved off to start their various selected jobs.

~ * ~

Trowa and Quatre headed across the yard to the large barn where a section in the corner of the barn was stocked with the various feed stuffs for the livestock.

Quatre picked up a bucket while Trowa rifled through the sacks until he found the one with the pellets for the chickens. They filled the bucket half full and grabbing a small basket from an overhanging peg, left for the chicken house.

Crossing the yard, Quatre noticed a small bundle of feathers; he immediately side tracked to investigate. Trowa followed.

Quatre bent and picked up the bundle and looked at it. "Wow! Heero certainly is a good marksman," he said quietly as he stared at the neat hole that appeared between the rooster's eyes. "Shame to waste it though."

Trowa began to back away.

"Trowa.... What do you think about a nice roast chicken dinner tonight?"

"You want it, then you clean it," Trowa replied.

Quatre looked at the rooster dangling in his hand. "It can't be that hard to do."

"Have fun with your plucking and drawing, I'm going to collect the eggs." Trowa turned and walked away with a purpose.

Quatre watched his retreat. "Oh well, let's get you ready for the table then," he said to the chook in his grasp and headed back towards the farmhouse.

The chickens were busy scratching and pecking around the yard of their coop completely oblivious to the fate of their fearless leader. Hearing the rattle of the bucket as it approached they ceased their hunt for food and ran to the wire of the coop. They looked up, and immediately fell silent.

The hens weren't too sure just what it was that was walking across the yard. Whether it was human or fowl. The long bang flopped over the face concealing one eye, kind of like a comb that had become too heavy to support its own weight.

The hens stared.

Trowa approached the coop and frowned. It was unusual for hens to be quiet. He looked at the group of feathered bodies lined up against the wire and reached for the door. He went in, making sure to latch the door firmly behind him.

The hens watched in lust.

Still frowning to himself he rattled the bucket and began to scatter the pellets around. "Here you go girls," he said quietly. "If you're hungry come and get it."

One of the hens fainted.

Trowa's one visible eye widened. He hadn't heard of a chicken fainting before. Concerned, he bent down by the prone bundle and ran a hand lightly over the feathers.

The hen shivered.

The rest of the chickens crowded around, checking out the new comer, all thoughts of their fearless leader gone from their tiny chicken brains as they drooled over the new 'rooster'.

Feeling a heartbeat and seeing the steady rise and fall of feathers, Trowa knew the hen was okay. He stood and picked up the basket; he was puzzled at the hens behavior though. Chickens were usually noisy creatures and not prone to passing out. With a shrug of his shoulders he went over to the small hen house to collect the eggs.

The chickens clucked quietly amongst themselves as they watched the tall teen disappear inside their house. The unconscious chook slowly started to come around.

Trowa made his way along the row of nesting boxes and picked up the eggs he found there. Placing them in the basket he was a little disappointed at the number of eggs he'd collected. He went back outside to where the hens were still silently assembled. He noticed them staring in his direction and the bundle of feathers that was beginning to stir. He looked at the basket and back to the chickens.

"Considering the number of hens we have here the egg production is slightly lacking," he said quietly as he glanced around the group.

The hens hung their heads sheepishly.

"Let's see if you can improve on that, shall we?"

The hens clucked in agreement.

"Good." Trowa moved over to where the hen that had fainted was beginning to stand up and shake its head groggily. The chicken looked up at Trowa. Trowa reached out and ran his hand over the soft feathers again.

The chicken promptly fainted once more.

Trowa shrugged his shoulders and stood. He turned and exited the chicken coop, shutting the door firmly. The chickens had all followed him, adoration showing in their little faces.

"I'll be back later to check on the egg situation," he said softly and then went back to the farmhouse.

The chickens began to cackle excitedly amongst themselves as they raced for the nesting boxes, the sudden urge to pass eggs overwhelming them.

~ * ~

Quatre stepped inside the kitchen. "Just how hard can it be to pluck and draw a chicken?" he said to himself. He dropped the rooster on the table and went through to the small scullery adjoining the kitchen. Inside there was a machine that looked something like a steamer. Quatre vaguely remembered something about steam loosening feathers and making them easier to remove. He washed his hands and fetched the corpse. Lifting the lid on the machine he filled the base pan with water and replaced it. He dropped the rack over the top and placed the chicken on the rack. Popping the lid on top he flicked the switch and left the steamer to do its work.

Returning to the kitchen he could see Trowa in the hen coop and smiled. Trowa really had a way with animals he noted, as he observed the chickens following his lanky lover around the pen. Quatre decided to go back and give him a hand.

He stepped outside again and slipped the oversized wellington boots on and began to casually stroll across the yard. He didn't see the goose hovering by the duck pond.

The goose was a friendly creature as a rule but had a greedy stomach. Every time it saw a human the word food sprang into its head, and so once it saw Quatre he naturally assumed this human would have food. The goose fluffed its feathers and honked...

Loudly.

Quatre jumped a mile and spun around. A blur of feathers, beak and noise came bolting at him.

Quatre did the only thing he could do.

He ran like shit towards Trowa.

Trowa looked up as he heard the noise, just in time to see his petite lover succumb to the goose. A flurry of arms, legs, wings and feathers indicated Quatre's demise and Trowa had to hold the chuckle.

The goose honked and hissed as it pecked around Quatre's form looking for food.

"Ack, shoo, go away leave me alone!" Quatre yelled as he tried to get the goose away from him. "Ow! get off, go away, shit!" Quatre's arms were trying to shield himself from the assault. "Trowa! Help me...."

Trowa sauntered across and threw a handful of pellets from the bottom of the bucket onto the ground away from Quatre. The goose immediately stopped its attack and waddled over to the pellets, pecking at them greedily. Trowa bent and hauled Quatre to his feet.

"Thanks," Quatre said as he dusted himself off. "For a moment there I thought I was a goner."

Trowa laughed. "I can't see how a tough, fearless Gundam pilot could be beaten by a goose."

"Better hope then that OZ doesn't find out about the predatory qualities of the goose or else ours is cooked," retorted Quatre.

"It's a well known fact that geese are better than watch dogs."

"Really? Well I for one can stand testimony to that fact," Quatre huffed.

"All it wanted was some food, Quatre."

"That might well be, but I'm not on the menu."

Trowa leaned forwards and brushed a smudge of dirt from the tip of Quatre's nose. "Oh? I was hoping to snack on you later."

Quatre melted. "Well, maybe I could make an allowance just for you."

"Mmmm...." Trowa nuzzled Quatre's neck before ghosting his lips across the sweet ones offered to him. "I think I would like rack of Quatre.... Raw."

Quatre shivered and then cried out. Whirling around he saw the reason for his sudden pain. At first he thought Trowa had pinched his rear but his eyes told him otherwise.... The goose was back. "Shit! Gotta go, Trowa." Quatre took off at a run back to the farm house.

Trowa and the goose watched him go. Trowa turned to the goose who looked back hopeful. "I guess he prefers me touching his rear to you."

The goose just honked.

"Okay, I have more food for you." Trowa tossed some more pellets around before taking the bucket back to the barn.

~ * ~

Wufei wandered off in the direction of the kennels. If he was to check the sheep and move them to another paddock he would need the assistance of one of the sheep dogs. The range of mutts on display did nothing to boost his confidence.

He cast his eye warily over the offered canines. They were a mixed bunch. He finally settled on the black and white long haired border collie. The fact that it was the only dog that didn't cringe or run away when he approached had nothing to do with his decision. He reached down and ruffled the dog's ears. He felt for the collar and looked at the name tag. "Humpty," he said out loud.

The dog looked at him with big puppy eyes.

"I wonder why they gave you that name?" Wufei motioned for the dog to follow him.

The walk through the paddocks was calming, the light breeze blew Wufei's hair about his face, the strands having escaped his customary pony tail. The dog trotted silently at his heels, nose almost touching Wufei's leg. Wufei found it a little unnerving.

He paused at the top of the hill and let his eyes wander over the paddock below. The tiny white forms dotted the landscape, an air of peace abounded... only to be broken by Wufei's sudden yelp of surprise.

Wufei looked down as he felt something grab his leg, immediately his body was on alert, ready to run or fight.

The dog watched Wufei intently and seeing his moment... sprang into action.

Wufei looked down at the dog that was now firmly attached to his right leg and humping it furiously. "Kisama!!!" he yelled and shook his leg trying to dislodge the furry beast, but the dog would not let go.

Wufei reached down and grabbed the animal by the scruff of the neck and tried to pull it off his leg but it was as if the animal was super glued. It simply would not be removed.

The dog's forepaws wrapped tightly around the limb and Humpty hung on for dear life, his hind end thrusting repeatedly into the warm softness of Wufei's pants. He felt the human try to dislodge him and gripped even tighter. Humpty had no idea why he had such a fetish for the human leg; all he knew was that he had to ravish one whenever he saw it. But not just any leg.

No.

It had to be special. Muscular, warm, and with a scent to it that drove Humpty's hormones wild. Exactly like the leg he was busy paying his affections to right now. Humpty's eyes began to glaze over as his pelvis strained for the last time. With a contented 'wuff', he added to the whiteness of Wufei's trouser leg before toppling over and lying prone in the grass.

Wufei looked down and shook his leg. "Ohh Yuk!"

~ * ~

Duo looked at the cows milling around the paddock gate waiting to be milked. "I always wanted to live on a farm, Hee-chan."

"Hn. Can't think why," came the stilted reply.

"Huh?" Duo turned his violet gaze to his lover.

"I don't mind the animals...."

Duo tried desperately to hold his laughter as Heero gingerly stepped around a cow pat. "Awww c'mon, Heero, you got your boots on, a little cow shit ain't gonna kill you."

Heero wrinkled up his nose. "Let's get the beasts into the milking shed."

"Okay, Hee-chan." Duo went to open the gate.

The cows filed methodically through and headed for the milking shed, Heero and Duo bringing up the rear. "Easy ain't it?" Duo professed.

"Hn."

"Hey, Heero, why don't you get started and I'll let Q-man know, 'cause he mentioned he was interested in learning how to milk."

"Okay." Heero followed the cows into the shed while Duo took off across the farmyard to get Quatre.

~ * ~

Quatre, having recovered from his attack by mother goose, was back in the kitchen wrestling with the rooster. The steamer had worked.... too well, so Quatre discovered. Not only were the feathers ready to drop out but the flesh was starting to cook as well. Quatre scratched his head. "Maybe I should have just plunged it into boiling water," he said to the dripping mess. "Oh well, better get on with it."

Quatre lay the chook on the table and began to pull the feathers from the skin. Most came out easily and it wasn't long before the chicken was nearly bald. Picking out the last few stubborn feathers Quatre looked up to see Trowa standing in the doorway.

"I'm going to feed the pigs and then see what's in the vegetable patch."

"Okay. Errr... Trowa?"

"Yes?"

"What else was it I had to do to this chicken besides pluck it?"

"You have to draw it."

"Huh? How can drawing a picture of it aid the final result? Besides, I don't think I have a pencil." Quatre looked rather puzzled.

"Not draw as in a picture... Draw as in remove the insides."

"Oh. How do I do that?" Quatre's face began to screw up a little at that thought.

"Well you... Ummm.... You put your hand up its.... errr.... Stick your hand inside and pull the stuff out."

"Where do I stick my hand?"

"Ummmm...." Trowa blushed a little. "You stick your hand up its rear end and remove everything that way." Trowa abruptly left leaving a wide eyed and open mouthed Quatre staring after him.

"I stick my hand up its rear? Eww, that's just gross," Quatre thought.

"But you put your fingers up Trowa's rear," his subconscious reminded him.

"Yeah well that's different," he argued back.

"Is it?"

"It's just my fingers and I don't pull his insides out when I do it," returned Quatre smugly as he slowly began to insert his hand up the chicken's rear. "You know, this gives a whole new meaning to the word fisting," he mused.

Duo chose that moment to walk in. "What gives a whole new meaning to the word fisting, Quatre?" Duo's eyes went wide and his face turned green as he took in the sight of Quatre sitting at the table surrounded by feathers with his.... was that his hand... up a chicken's ass?

His hand flew to his mouth. "Oh my god, Quatre, I knew you had a kinky streak in you but don't you think that necrophilia is taking it a bit far?"

"It's not what you think Duo...." spluttered Quatre.

"Sure, sure, buddy..." Duo felt his breakfast beginning to make a return journey.

"Really... it isn't. I was just getting the chicken ready for tea, that's all." Quatre's face was turning a lovely shade of red as his hands emphasized his point... only problem was the chicken was still attached to one of those hands.

"Errr... whatever you say, Q-man. I came to tell you that Heero and I have got the cows into the barn if you wanted to come and try milking but I guess you're occupied with more pleasurable things," Duo snickered as he began his retreat before his stomach could insist on expelling its contents.

"Yeah, sure. I'll wander over in a minute... once I get this chook done." Quatre took a firm hold of the carcass and pulled hard to extradite his hand from within. His hand slipped out, along with most of the chicken's entrails.

Duo's eyes went wide and he spun around, knocking over the chair in his haste to leave. "I did *not* need to see that!" he muttered under his breath as he scrambled through the door and back across the yard in the direction of the cow shed and safety.

Quatre looked at the slippery mess in his hand. One word sprang to mind.

Actually it was two words....

"Oh fuck!"

~ * ~

tbc...........

[1] This is a line taken from the movie The Elephant Man


Part 2


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